Peace and goodwill to all, except Tom Cruise

Amusing wishlist of things to happen and not happen in 2006, byt the SMH’s heckler:
Peace and goodwill to all, except Tom Cruise
By Eleanor Learmonth
December 30, 2005

A wise man once said it took 42 muscles to frown and only four to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle. How profound. A select few things in 2005 really had my finger twitching. Here’s praying we can get through 2006 without the following:

1. Any individual who is going on a “journey”. This should include a long journey, an emotional journey, a rewarding journey and especially an amazing journey. I advocate anyone going on a journey should have their destination re-routed off the nearest high cliff.

2. Paris Hilton, her gormless boyfriends, her shrivelled dog or her pet monkey.

3. Hearing Tom Cruise’s advice on childbirth. In fact, hearing anything about Tom Cruise – except that he’s died after falling off furniture while cavorting around like a chimp on crack. I wouldn’t mind hearing that.

4. Any TV show in which the script relies heavily on the word evict.

5. Children’s books written by celebrities on the grounds that they once actually saw a child who had accidentally wandered into business class.

6. Skanky hos as feminist role models. Generally speaking, if you’re dressed like you’re going to fight for the working rights to the local street corner, you’re not role model material.

7. Mark Latham.

8. Books which have the word “dark” in the title, or the name “Dan” on the front cover.

9. Designer dogs with breed names that rhyme with strudel.

10. Food in restaurants with jus all over it.

11. Kyle what’s-his-name, who seems to have become famous solely due to his head’s resemblance to a well-sucked mango.

12. Offspring of the rich and famous whose names are destined to send them into early therapy. As in: “Cinnamon! You’ve left the #*@* door open and the #*@!# paparazzi have got in again.”

13. Offspring of the less-well-off whose names need a footnote to spell correctly. As in: “Shantelle, stop pulling Kodie’s hair and share those cigarettes.”

14. Politicians applying the phrase “user pays” to health care, transport or education. Isn’t that why we pay taxes?

15. Lebanese jokes. Really, they’re just not funny.

16. Any American in a shiny suit pretending that intelligent design isn’t just a rebadged version of creationism.

17. The word rebadged.

18. TV commercials featuring singing animals, usually zebras, who are incapable of rhyming “indeedy” with anything better than “seedy”.

And in conclusion, here are three things I’d really love to see in 2006:

1. More off-the-cuff comments by George Bush. Seriously, we could all do with more laughter in our lives.

2. A Chinese Government spokesman interrupting his tirade on Japanese war guilt to say: “Oh, hang on, I’ve just remembered about Tibet.”

3. Brightly coloured wristbands that say: “Make Bono History.”

Readers are invited to apply wit to anything that makes the blood boil. Send 600 words, with day and evening phone numbers, to heckler@smh.com.au. Submissions may be edited and published on the internet.”

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