The reason America appears this way – Greg Proops – Montreal Comedy Festival 2005

Just cleaning up files on my notebook, and came across this transcript a made for a routine by U.S comic Greg Proops from the Montreal Comedy festival last year. Classic.

I know that often America seems like kind of a I don’t know a red neck, dick head, pecker wood, bohunky, hog, gun toten, psycho-Christian, anti-choice, homophobic, truck driving, dog in the back, gimme, cap wearing, tyou know, the jury’s still out on evolution, giant belt buckle with your name on it that you wear upside down so you can go “oh shit, that’s me name” kind of place, but my point is this….

The reason America appears this way is clearly England’s fault. Now, convoluted logic, but follow along and you’ll find rich rewards.

Once upon a time the English sent people all over the world; to this country you got the Scottish, in our country we got the pilgrims. And they still celebrate thanks-giving in England by the way – it’s called “FUCK OFF PURITAN!…Day”.

The pilgrims were asked to leave England. England was never funner than when the pilgrims split. The English got a little tired of these dour right wing black clad conservative gun-totting bible-thumping psycho-Christians running around scaring everyone, confusing people by wearing buckles on their hats!

“Is that tight enough for ya cotton?”
“yea verily … I canst but hardly think”

until finally some one went:

“I’ve got an idea, why don’t your little religious weirdos get in a leaky rickety little boat and GET THE FUCK OFF THE ISLAND. HAH! Sail around the world until you hit the new world. When you get their, commit genocide of the indigenous people have a groovy time, knock your-selves out, have a witch trial, let us know how that works out for ya.

We’ll be back in England having the Renaissance in case anyone needs us.”

They send over this group with guns and bibles and no farming implements – how
English is that –

“oh surely there’ll be a shop open….”.

Greg Proops
Montreal Comedy Festival 2005

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